A week or so ago I had so many words! They just kept coming and coming. I started to think to myself “I sound like I’m crazy! Tim must be really getting sick of hearing about this.” So I stopped sharing about how I was feeling.
Fast forward a few days and I’m cranky, lashing out at everyone, not wanting to initiate sex (a warning sign for me) and saving up reasons to be annoyed at Tim.
So now there’s a problem in our relationship because we don’t feel in love. Regardless of how we got here, there’s always something one of us can do to get it back. And it doesn’t matter who takes the first step.
The way I contributed to the problem as a woman: I decided I wanted to come across as logical, reasonable and in control. I can definitely be logical and reasonable, but it’s not my resting place in a masculine/feminine relationship. The gift that I bring to the relationship is emotion. I was created to be the emotional barometer of the relationship. When I try to be reasonable rather than expressing how I feel, I fall into masculine state, and that’s a real passion-killer for us.
The way I contributed to the problem as a man: I had many problems to solve for work, and I hadn’t noticed that I was constantly withdrawing to figure out the best way forward. What Camilla wants in the relationship is my full attention. What I want is freedom to pursue my own interests. It’s healthy for a woman to have a lot of words, but one reason why her words can become seemingly endless is if she feels like she doesn’t have my full attention. If I keep pulling away from Camilla and trying to get time to myself, she will keep trying to get my attention and the words will multiply for a while (seems bad) and then they will stop (seems good) but then the relationship starts to die.
What I can do to fix the problem as a woman: Give myself the freedom to sound crazy. I am a woman, I think out loud. Thoughts spoken aloud with no filter sound crazy. Speaking my thoughts aloud gives me the ability to put them in order, understand my feelings and decide what I want to do. So, to fix the problem as a woman, I need to keep talking, and, if I feel like I’m not getting Tim’s attention, ask him to sit down and listen to me. Use the magic little word “please”.
What I can do to fix the problem as a man: When I notice the words coming like an endless waterfall and I feel like I never get any peace, ask her to come and sit down with me and tell me about how she’s feeling. Ask, “How was your day?” Use the magic little words “How does that make you feel?” and let her talk. Stay and listen as long as I can, until the words stop in a good way – i.e. she’s calm and peaceful. Then, I’ll be free to go and do what I need to do. The more she feels that she has my full presence, the quicker the storm (of words) will pass.
So, how did it end? Well I (Camilla) eventually shared that I didn’t feel listened to. Rather than Tim saying that he had listened or that he was very busy, he simply said “That must not feel very nice for you, honey.” The next day, I got an exciting email and sent Tim a message about it. He replied, with “That’s great honey! How do you think you’ll respond?” I could see in this open-ended question his desire for me to feel heard. It makes me feel so grateful, every time he chooses to put his defenses aside and make me feel like I’m his main priority. I feel like a princess rescued from a castle! I know how hard it is for him to do, and it makes me feel like he’d do anything for me.
And just like that, the love is flowing again.
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