When we make love, it can be a natural way for our partner to become more in-tune with us. Our default in relationships is often to try and feel connected by making the other person think and feel more like ourselves. As you may have noticed, this usually achieves the opposite. When men try to fix, it leaves women feeling broken and unloved. When women push men to share their feelings, it can leave men feeling invaded and emasculated. Brain research demonstrates that there is one way for our brains to get closer together that actually works, and it happens naturally.
Two brain scanning studies at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands demonstrate that during orgasm, male and female brain activity patterns come closer together. Activity in the emotional centers of the male brain increased during orgasm, with increased blood flow to the cerebellum. Activity in the emotional centers of the female brain, including the hippocampus and amygdala (centers for fear and anxiety) decreased during orgasm. Women also experienced a marked, overall reduction in brain activity (similar to that of men, whose brains are not as interconnected as women’s) during orgasm.
For women, the benefits of this in terms of stress reduction are huge. According to a study conducted in 2010 on stress differences between men and women, in the male brain under stress, 50% of the receptors for stress hormone Corticotrophin Releasing Factor retreated into the cell, making the brain less stress reactive. Women, however, remain exposed to double the uptake of this hormone, increasing their vulnerability to negative impacts of stressful events.
When women under stress attempt to communicate with their partner as a way of reducing stress, men will often tell them to “stop thinking about it”, something that is nigh impossible for her brain. It might also seem to the male brain after reading this, that suggesting sex is a good way of helping her to reduce stress. WRONG! The female brain is emotional in the relationship, she needs to feel close before she will want to make love.
Men, when your partner is stressed, instead of trying to fix her, listen to her until she feels understood. When she feels this way, she may be ready to make love. Unless she feels understood first, she will not want to make love, even if she knows it will reduce her stress (don’t try to reason it out, just listen!) When she’s ready, initiate love-making. This will help her experience the reduction in stress hormones that is available through the two of you uniting.
Ladies, when you do not feel the emotional connection you desire with your man, make love to him! Men feel that connection primarily through making love. If you don’t feel ready to initiate or respond, tell him you’d like to make love, but want him to put on his super-hero suit and listen to you first, so you can be ready. Making love to him will help him experience the emotional connectedness that is your way of being.
Don’t go to war with your partner’s brain. Make love, not war, and your partner will naturally become more in-tune with you.
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