Remember that Five For Fighting song, Superman (It’s not easy to be me?). My Dad used to love that song. I never realised what it was about until recently.
For every man, there is nothing better than to feel like a hero, her hero. In fact, that is why men seek a relationship in the first place. What they are looking for in the relationship is significance. To feel like they are essential, invincible, pivotal to her happiness. They would fly to the moon to make it possible.
That’s right, there’s nothing better than to feel like her hero.
But there is absolutely nothing worse than to be made to feel like a man dressing up in a silly red sheet. If there’s a chance he could be made to feel that way, he won’t risk it.
“I can’t stand to fly, I’m not that naive.”
Many women do not believe it when we say that a man’s primary desire is to make her happy. That is because it has become so difficult for him to know what will make her happy, that he has given up. He’s settled right into the Clark Kent role, and he’s not going anywhere.
Appreciation is so important for a man to feel like a man.
As a woman, it is oh-so-easy to focus on the small part that he didn’t quite get right, rather than appreciating the real effort or intent behind his actions.
Case in point: Tim went out to help his Dad on the weekend. Instead of leaving the kids at home with me, he took them with him! Which was fantastic, because I got to have some time to myself.
But, he didn’t take any food with him, he brought them home late and by the time they got home, they were going crazy!
The mother-in-me wants to berate him for such an obvious mistake (I mean, way to ruin my down-time!) But if I focus on what was missing, I’ll make him feel like a man in a silly red sheet. He was trying to be my hero, taking the kids all afternoon, so I could do what I wanted. The way I respond in that first interaction when he gets home will make the difference between whether I spend the evening with superman or a moody dress-up clown.
The first words out of my mouth need to be “Thank you so much honey for taking the kids out for the afternoon! It was so amazing to have some time for myself and not have to worry about them. You’re my hero!”
This is the best way to ensure that he does more of that in the future. If I let myself say, “You’re so late! It’s already past their bedtime. I can’t believe you didn’t take any dinner with you if you were going to be home so late!” I can be pretty sure he won’t be so naive as to try to be my hero in that way again.
Men are motivated by appreciation. Since I started letting go of the bits Tim got wrong and started thanking him for the part he got right, I have been so amazed that he will do almost anything I ask. Because what he wants, above all, is to make me happy.
Because that’s what heroes do.
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