A few weeks before Christmas, we got two quotes for Bushfire Management Reports on our property. We’re planning to extend our house, which, as I’m sure you’re aware if you’ve had anything much to do with us, is the big saga of our relationship. The Bushfire Report is the last thing we need before we can submit our plans to the council.
Camilla’s immediate reaction: “Yay! Let’s choose one today!
“Tim: “Whoa! We need to call each of them and look up more information and there’s no way that can happen before next year.”
*Cue recurring argument about the house*
When it comes to arguing, Camilla’s default is scathing sarcasm and put-downs. Tim’s default is defense and withdrawal. And so all that went on over the top of the kids while we’re eating dinner.
Tim: “It would be interesting to read [something-or-other] about the guidelines for bushfire management before we commit.”
Camilla: “Are you just saying it would be interesting, or are you actually going to do it?”
Tim: “I don’t have time to do it”
Camilla: “Great, so why bring it up then?”
etc, etc.
What I’ve (Camilla) noticed when it comes to arguing, is that I can see exactly what I should say to diffuse the situation. I run it all through my mind and know “I need to say this now”. The things that I know I should say are really, really nice. I wish Tim could hear them! Unfortunately, what comes out of my mouth instead is invariably a put-down or some kind of sarcastic remark.
Finally, after the kids are in bed, I manage to get one of the things I know I should say out of my mouth. The most powerful way to motivate a man, is to share your feelings with him. Living in feminine state is about being vulnerable. So I said to Tim,
“When you put barriers in the way of us extending the house, it makes me feel really stuck and like it’s never ever going to get done”.
He said nothing to this, which nearly drove me crazy, but I resolved to let it drop for the moment. That was really hard, it was against every voice within that I had telling me “If you let this go, nothing will happen, you have to keep pushing him to make it happen. Why does he get to make all the decisions? Your way is just as valid. You should tell him that you’re going ahead and signing on with one of these companies today, whether he likes it or not.”
But, thankfully, I kept my mouth shut. This voice is my masculine state, trying to take control, it pushes Tim back into feminine state, where he is even less likely to take action.
The next day he came home and said “About yesterday, I feel like I need more information before we choose which company to sign with. But I really don’t want you to feel stuck, so if you want to go ahead and sign on with one of them, then we can.”
POP!
*My heart exploding into a million pieces*
The most powerful way to motivate a man, is to share your feelings with him. What a man wants, above all things, is to make his partner happy. When you share your feelings, rather than telling him what to do, he sees a clear path to doing this. He feels free to make a choice, rather than trapped in a corner.
Masculine and Feminine state seem to both need to exist in the relationship. Whenever I take a step into masculine state, Tim will normally take on a feminine state. But each time we go back to relating from our “state of origin”, we allow our partner space to do the same, and that’s when we feel wildly in love.
2 Mistakes Couples Make that cause them to Fall Out of Love
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