What’s “your song” for the two of you?
Music has great power in influencing our emotional state. Emotional state is so important to relationships. It can change something that would normally cause a massive tiff, into just a passing glance.
Here are some of the songs we’ve used to help make our relationship great. Some got us through the tough times of our relationship, others maxxed up our state to help us feel wildly in love!
Mirrors – Justin Timberlake (Camilla)
One of the typical problem areas of our relationship type combination (Camilla 3, Tim 5) is that the 3 often ends up finding the 5 weird and repulsive. (We’re headed for great things, right?) This certainly occurred in our relationship and I had to struggle for quite some time with facing my fears and accepting the parts of myself that I was afraid of, being mirrored in him.
Threes want to project an image that we think will be highly esteemed by others. We hide all the weird and geeky parts that might put others off. Fives, not so much. So learning to accept that what I find off-putting in Tim is really just the parts of myself that I don’t want to be seen has been some process.
I used to be very easily turned off during sex with Tim, and found it difficult to maintain an open, feminine state. For quite a while I listened to this song intentionally before we made love to help me go back to my heart, and allow myself to let him in.
I also embraced the “beauty and the beast” analogy, remembering that the fairy-tale romance doesn’t always start with the swaggering Prince. And yet, just like in the fairytale, when I was able to accept my own weirdness, and give up my pride, I discovered Prince Charming was there after all.
All Time Low – Jon Bellion (Tim)
I remember this song was all over the radio about the time I became aware of the shame I was carrying (and desperately hiding) about looking at porn and masturbating. After an intense weekend volunteering at a course that’s designed to get people back in touch with their passion, allowing them to feel their purpose again, and experience freedom from all the things they keep themselves trapped by, I knew I HAD to deal with this thing that I didn’t want in my life. I remember tentatively entering into the conversation with my mentor, and very quickly ended up on the kitchen floor in my puddle of tears and shame as the experience progressed.
Worse than that was knowing I had to face up to all of the above with Camilla. I thought that was going to be the end of our relationship. I wanted to have my mentor there to help facilitate the argument – I mean, discussion. He told me I needed to do it on my own, and that he would be available to coach either of us if necessary.
This song was playing on repeat in my mind from the point I recognised my shame, and then for weeks after that, as I really felt that I was at an all-time low. I’d only ever heard the radio version of this song, and it just felt like it fit perfectly for me at that time. Almost a year later, I was in a friend’s car and he had this song on his playlist – and it wasn’t the clean, radio edit. I remember feeling so shocked that at the end of the first verse he named my shame. No wonder I’d resonated with the song.
The best part is that even though that time felt like an all-time low, it allowed Camilla and I to really connect in a way we hadn’t before – things got very real, and from there our two hearts have come together in such a way that it’s difficult to be sure where one finishes and the other starts.
Mess is Mine – Vance Joy (Camilla)
Tim is messy. I’m not a neat freak, but he’s a hoarder. As an Enneagram 5, part of his coping strategy has been to try to be self-sufficient and always prepared. It has been a massive cause of contention in our relationship. We literally have a shed and a second house on our block full of things he has collected. We fought about it pretty severely.
So I made this my re-frame song. It’s true for many aspects of relationships. We all bring an amount of mess to the relationship, whether physical or emotional. Love is about choosing to embrace the person as a whole.
I learned to communicate how the mess made me feel from a feminine state, rather than trying to force him to get rid of things, and it’s been much more effective. I’ve also decided to accept him as he is – it’s not just his mess anymore, his mess is mine. 🙂
Diddy – Coming Home (Tim)
For me, feeling as though I don’t belong is very closely tied to my emotional wound of feeling inadequate (something like “if I was adequate, I would be accepted and belong”). This feeling is often triggered by conflict in our relationship, causing me to withdraw.
So the line that says ‘I’m back where I belong, yeah I’ve never felt so strong’ calls me back to focus on the strength and belonging I feel when I’m in masculine state. The belonging I feel is different to what I thought I wanted – it’s where I bring people into belonging with me, rather than seeking to belong with them. From this place of belonging, I can attempt new things I might not be good at, and can join in life as a participant instead of an observer.
‘I’m coming home, tell the world I’m coming home…my Kingdom awaits, and they’ve forgiven my mistakes’ – I love this part, it doesn’t matter what I’ve done or failed to do in the relationship, it matters what I do right now. When I’m feeling hurt, this encourages me to come back to the relationship, and choose how I want to show up. How do I want to BE even though I’m feeling deeply inadequate? This question brings me back to my commitments – am I going to let this feeling take me out, or am I going to get back in there with more love, more understanding, more empathy?
Vance Joy – Lay it on me (Camilla)
This song makes me feel really safe. The lyrics communicate what every woman wants to hear from her man, that he wants to know what’s in her head and heart. (Next time your wife tells you about her day, try responding with “tell me more about that” and watch her melt!)
Feeling like he really wants to know how I feel inside is the best feeling. But I don’t always get that feeling from Tim. This song reminds me to return to feminine state when he’s not communicating in a way that makes me feel safe. I remember that the way he’s acting is just a coping strategy. But the way he really feels is that he really loves and cares about the way I feel. It reminds me to stay in feminine state and keep sharing my heart.
“Write it on a piece of paper, honey”, it might not be ideal, but instead of building a wall with it, I need to get it out in any way I can. Because that’s what keeps our hearts connected and that’s what brings him back to me.
Whatever it takes – Imagine Dragons (Tim)
This song feels like our relationship – we used to be stuck in a cycle of what seems to be typical – feeling as though it was always a struggle to get to the high places I wanted us to be at.
But now we have the freedom to choose a path other than the one that seems like the natural reaction. In a sense, it’s seeing the game on a whole new playing field, without all the rules and constraints of the old field.
‘Whatever it takes ‘cause I love how it feels when I break the chains’ – the chains are my patterns of behaviour – the ways we were so accustomed to acting and reacting to each other… the reason our arguments were so predictable, as if they were scripted. Giving up being right in an argument is really difficult, but I’m learning to love more the purpose I gain in meeting Camilla’s emotional need first by validating her feelings.
‘Take me to the top, I’m ready for whatever it takes, ‘cause I love the adrenaline in my veins.’ Now that I’m open to going to the low places in our relationship, we do actually get to experience the highs that seemed so unattainable, and the thrills of riding the relationship rollercoaster. Bring on the adrenaline!
‘I do what it takes.’
Cheerleader – OMI (Camilla)
What men really want is to be appreciated and admired by their partner. Realising that my levels of appreciation, encouragement and respect for Tim have been much less than desirable over the years makes me feel pretty ashamed. I’ve discouraged him from following his dreams, belittled him and tried to keep him small.
This song reflects the attitude I’m committed to him feeling from me now: That I’m always in his corner, I want him to succeed, I’m his biggest fan and he’s my hero.
ME! – Taylor Swift (Camilla)
I’ve been looking for a feminine state song for quite a while. They just never seemed quite right. But this one’s got me. I love how Taylor is unapologetic about her emotionality and letting it all out there. Letting out the emotion, particularly the negative, is what allows me to also communicate the full depth of my love to Tim.
The thing I really love about the masculine/feminine state relationship philosophy is the way it accepts each gender the way they are. That it accepts women the way we are. It doesn’t try to rationalise us. That’s right, women don’t make sense and you’ll never understand us! Now, do you want one or not?
Accept her the way she is, validate her feelings and watch her love for you come avalanching out, “like a rainbow with all of the colours.”
I also love how this song calls me to remember that Tim and I chose each other for a particular reason, because nobody can soothe the emotional pain of the other like we can. Your relationship is worth fighting for, because your partner is a unique creation of God.
“I’m the only one of me, baby that’s the fun of me! And I promise that nobody’s gonna love you like meeheehee!”
Want to learn how to turn all your worst experiences as a couple into the things that bind your hearts most strongly together? Register for The Relationship Workshop today!
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