Tim and I fight more because we offer relationship mentoring. Every single time we run a workshop we tend to have a massive fight, sometime throughout that month. Sometimes they are so bad that I feel like I don’t want to do it anymore.
The most recent workshop is probably the worst to date. The fight was deep and went for a whole week. It got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t bear to be in that situation any longer. I start to wonder how we will explain to the couples we’ve worked with that we are no longer married?
But the way we approach conflict has changed. Because of the work we do, we always aim to unpack and understand the conflict that has taken place so we can explain why it happened and how we resolved it to the couples we work with. So we’re always looking to learn something from the conflict.
Here’s what I learned in that conflict – Tim’s brain behaves exactly like a man’s brain when it comes to sex.
You might think that would be a fairly obvious statement. But for me it wasn’t. It has taken me 15 years of being married to him to finally grasp that.
I felt like I’d gotten the raw end of the deal when it came to sex in the relationship. He didn’t seem interested enough, I figured I wasn’t attractive enough, his testosterone was low, he put too many prerequisites on sex, which I saw as effeminate. He felt that I was too pushy and controlling about sex, which he saw as masculine. In short, something was wrong with one of us (but most probably him).
It was the old recurring argument that got us. I tried to initiate sex and felt like he rejected me. I was angry and over it. I had been as obvious as I dared, and felt like I’d gotten nothing back.
When suddenly it dawned on me. I wanted him to pick up on my hints, see my heart and respond to it emotionally. I did not want to ask directly and got upset and forceful when I felt like I was being made to, not because I am too masculine, but because I am female.
He wanted me to ask directly, get the necessary items for clean-up ready and go hop in bed, because it was logical and practical. It is because he is a man that he feels like this, not because he isn’t manly enough.
That realisation clears up years of blame and hurt in our relationship, going both ways. And I am so happy to have discovered it that I wouldn’t trade in that awful week for the world.
Often in our relationship we feel like there is a problem because something is wrong with the other person. We feel like they are knowingly and deliberately hurting us. The truth is far less sinister.
What many couples want when they are looking to improve the relationship is to fight less. But conflict is not your enemy. The cause of conflict is simply that your partner is different to you. You can see it as a means of division or you can use it to learn something new about your partner and be drawn closer together.
What can you learn about your partner from the conflict you’ve been having? What can you discover about them that will draw you closer together?
There is ALWAYS more to find out. Try something new with your partner, and find out what’s really in their heart in The Relationship Workshop.
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