He Did Nothing

We had COVID the last two weeks. So, no sex for two weeks.

And plenty of bickering.

But, wait a minute, why no sex?

Well…maybe because we were sick? Not really very sick. We made love again the other night and I made myself say what was in my heart – how much I’d missed him. He agreed. And I wondered why we hadn’t done it then?

At first, I hadn’t tested positive, and was semi trying to avoid getting it, so we weren’t kissing etc. He’d felt (probably rightly) that I wasn’t keen. Then, when I tested positive he was still tired and going to bed early. I’d felt that he wasn’t keen.

Well, that’s something of an understatement.

When Tim gets tired, he says “I’m going to bed” and sweetly kisses me goodnight. When he does this kind gesture, it feels to me as through he has just sauntered past and flipped me the bird.

I was thinking about how rejected and uncared for I’d felt. How I’d found it hard to sleep and was waking up worrying about things, and how he didn’t care. The two things he could do to help me with this would be listen to me and make love to me, but he didn’t do either. He went to bed early. He did nothing.

That thought: He did nothing. It gives me that aching feeling of deep pain mixed with love. I’ve had them a million times, that thought, that feeling. All because he did nothing.

The irony of it dawned on me.

For my wound to be triggered he literally has to do nothing. He says something harsh to me, I am hurt, he kisses me goodnight, I am hurt, he does nothing, I am hurt. He did nothing.

I feel this feeling because this is the feeling I long to feel. I return to it as often as possible. The feeling is not caused by him at all.

Turns out, for two weeks, he’s wanted me. The only thing in the way was my story about it.

It can be tempting to see this all as a waste, what a series of missed opportunities! And if you’re brave (or stupid) enough to reflect on all the times this experience has recurred in our past, the waste may seem horrifying.

But I looked at it all, and I laughed. Because I learned something about him.

I saw this quote recently:

The same is true of a relationship. An argument is not a loss, a separation is not a loss. It is a learn. And that is a true relationship. Not one where there is no arguing, no miscommunication and no passion. No. The learning brings us closer together and closer to God’s image. I feel in love with him again.

Turn your loss into a learn and feel in love again. Register for the The Relationship Workshop today!

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