The dissolution of relationships is made that much sadder by the fact that it is often based on failure to understand the love that is being contributed by our partners. We leave relationships feeling like they were given a million chances, what needed to be done was spelled out explicitly, but sadly, they refused and therefore, they never really loved us.
The interesting thing is that BOTH parties tend to feel that way. We feel like, “I’ve sacrificed soooo much, and they have thrown it all back in my face!”
What if the problem is something other than what we suspect? Could it be that with all of our hard work, we have made the wrong sacrifice?
The story of Cain and Abel in the Bible illustrates this occurrence:
Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favour on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favour. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
Genesis 4:2-5
Many men and women make sacrifices in an attempt to make their marriages work.
Women often carry the mental load of parenting and running the household, they shoulder the weight of discipline and maintaining the physical and mental health and wellbeing of the family, the after school enrichment activities, keeping the home environment clean, safe and inviting, and all this while frequently also working for income themselves. They try not to ask him for too much, they allow him time to relax, they give sexual favours they do not wish to in the hope of maintaining their relationship.
Men, in response to women’s complaints, try to do more around the house. They cut work hours to help with ferrying children around, they contribute to food preparations and household chores, they resist making sexual advances to give her space, They give up their free time, they keep trying to do all the things she wants, and yet she is never satisfied.
Normally, it ends with discouragement, feelings of emptiness and being taken for granted and unloved. By BOTH parties.
But we were both trying so hard! How could it go wrong? How did they not see and understand the meaning of the sacrifices I was making? That all of this means that I love you?
Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?
Genesis 4:6-7
In the story of Cain, his downcast face was a result of his sacrifice being rejected. Being assessed as not good enough.
Do not make the mistake of thinking that Cain did not bring his best here. The Bible certainly never says that the reason it was not acceptable what that he brought rotten cabbages and bug-eaten beetroots. Did he take the easy route?
Well, is it harder to raise sheep than to grow crops? As a person working to get some gain out of the land, I would absolutely choose sheep-grazing as the easier option (and I did grow up on a sheep and crop farm). Planting a crop requires an enormous amount of work. The yield of crops are far more easily affected by the weather, pests, weeds, and animal damage than sheep. One single hour of rain at the wrong time can destroy a crop. Do not think that Cain did not toil by the sweat of his brow to produce food out of a land now cursed. Food that would do his body much more good than the sheep meat produced by Abel. We may presume that what he brought was high quality.
But it was the wrong sacrifice. God had a point to make in the taking of the life of a lamb as the means to atone for sin. And Cain, through all of his extraordinary efforts to make it on his own, missed the mark.
What if our relationships are failing, not through lack of love or effort on either part, but because of our failure to make the right sacrifice?
So what is the right sacrifice?
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:25 & 33
Sacrifice that which is most important to you, which is in your way of moving forward in the relationship. For both parties, it is pride.
Men: what she needs above all, is for you to listen to her. To take away the emotional responsibility of the family and relationship. To shoulder the emotional load on her behalf. Not to do more (in spite of what she says) but to take responsibility for all that is done by both you and her.
Give up your pride, and allow her to say how she feels about everything that’s going wrong, and everything that’s wrong with you. When you do this, you will earn back her respect and you will know what is necessary to do next in your relationship. You will make a choice, and accept full responsibility for that choice, and allow her to be unhappy about it without making her wrong about that. This is what it means to carry the responsibility of the relationship. This will give her freedom.
Ladies, give up your pride and let him know that you need him. Respect doesn’t mean doing everything for him, it means trusting him that he actually has what it takes to give up his pride and do what he needs to do for you and his family. Allow him to help you. Allow it, don’t demand it. Show him the need that exists and give him the space to step into it freely (or not to). But have a little faith that he will. Faith the size of a mustard seed is enough.
Stop hinting and then punishing him for getting it wrong. Take the risk of fully exposing your soul and share the deep sadness that is in your heart. Be willing to appreciate him for small steps along the way. As a husband once said “Just because I love you, doesn’t mean I’m not stupid”. He is willing to learn, are you willing to teach? If you are, you will have to let go of needing him to have thought of what to do all by himself.
These are the right sacrifices because they allow you give what your partner needs most, which, it turns out is not specifically help around the house or sex. She needs emotional validation & connection, he needs a sense of purpose and appreciation. The sacrifice of your pride to give these things will be huge. It will be the hardest thing for you to give up. But the effort you expend will not be in vain, because it will be the right sacrifice.
Don’t expect that you will get it right the first time, but persistence and patience will allow you to avoid the destruction of your partner in order to save your own face. That is what Cain did to Abel when his sacrifice was not accepted. Instead of turning to resentment, retribution and exile, be patient enough to learn what sacrifice is required. Often, this cannot be done alone. If you choose it, we would be honoured to guide you both in this process together.
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