When we work with couples, we encourage the man to listen to his wife pour out her heart as often as she is willing to, without engaging in rebuttal or self-justification when she says things that feel unfair. Instead, we encourage him to validate her feelings. But this process only goes one way, we don’t suggest that you take turns.
Why not? Is this just an idea Camilla made up to get away with everything??? (Well, I wouldn’t put it past me, I am sneaky enough.) While it’s plausible, it’s just not possible. The principles for amazing relationships are written all through God’s Word. Even in the weird and awkward bits – like circumcision. Seriously, you wouldn’t make this stuff up!
I have gained some small idea of how awkward this topic is as a result of taking high school boys to the Jewish museum, where little old ladies take great amusement from explaining circumcision to teenage boys who look like they would much prefer to melt away through the floor.
Such a sensitive area.
But that’s the point, isn’t it? (No pun intended, but let’s enjoy it anyway).
God asked Abraham to sacrifice the protection mechanism for his manhood; to expose the most sensitive part of himself, to open himself up to potential pain from the world, to ridicule at his self-inflicted mutilation, to immediate short-term incapacitation and vulnerability, and potential future physical pain from the loss of his protection.
As a result of doing it, Abraham, far from being the object of ridicule, became one of the richest, most fertile (father of nations) and blessed men in history.
Thanks to medical research, we now know that circumcision decreases the risk of urinary tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases and penile cancer. It also prevents problems of retraction that can impede sexual activity.
And so, while the exposure of this on the surface seems to make men more vulnerable, it actually makes them stronger.
If you’re an uncircumcised man, there is no cause for spiritual concern. The sacrifice involved in circumcision is a symbol of an internal sacrifice, as explained by Paul in Romans 2:28-29:
“A man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. No, a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit
Romans 2:28-29a
This is the same sacrifice that is required by a man in the practice of masculine-feminine state listening. To be present in this activity, in a masculine state, a man is required to expose the part of his heart that is most vulnerable to pain. To expose to scrutiny the thing that he is most proud of, as she shares her heart and her own pain. Circumcision of the heart.
Many men fear that the act of doing this will make them appear weaker – a push-over, a door mat – make him lose respect in the eyes of his wife or his friends and family. But the opposite is true. In exposing his weakness like this, he becomes stronger, and gains the respect of his family.
His sacrifice here is vital for relationship success. It stands as a tribute for the blessing of the family as a whole. As Paul continues:
“…such a man’s praise is not from men, but from God.”
Romans 2:29b
So, why can’t we take turns? Notice that in the story of Abraham, only men are required to be circumcised. In more recent times, female circumcision has not been noted to lead to positive results in emotional strength or medical research. Female circumcision is an abomination and desecration that destroys relationships. It does not lead to blessing the family when the roles are reversed.
In the same way, the roles cannot be reversed to positive effect in the masculine/feminine listening practice. A reversal will result only in destruction of the relationship. Her heart, like her private parts, must be protected by her husband, even at the cost of his own.
We don’t know why, except that men and women were made to reflect different aspects of God’s character, and responsibility and sacrifice seem to be a large part of the divine traits that men carry, and when they get it right, man, do they do it well! If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past years of working with couples, it’s a deep respect for these traits in men.
Men, you have been called to a purpose; to be the representative tribute of your family, to make this circumcision of the heart in order to save your family and bring honour to it and receive the praise of God!
Wow! Now that’s a challenge worth facing up to, and a great reason to ask “How does that make you feel?” next time she says something that hurts.
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