Above all, men want to make women happy. Sometimes the methods they use don’t communicate to women, but here are two that really get through:
Mic-drop #1
I (Camilla) am forever beating myself up about things that I’ve said or done. My core wound desire to be impressive and portray the right image always has me scanning my conscience for something that I could have said or done better that would have resulted in people having a better opinion of me. (It’s great the way I control the world and the world is focused on me, right? đ
I’ve been tuning into this pattern and its results in my life. Things that I didn’t do well result in a desire for penance. The emotional punishment is beating myself up. When I do this, I become irritable and short-fused and I seem to transfer this desire to punish onto those around me. My kids, my students, Tim.
So what should I do? Stop beating myself up, right? Well, I do have some strategies around this, but by now it’s a well-practiced routine and at times, extremely difficult for me to break.
The other day, stuck in this cycle, I was desperate for some relief and seeking some way that I could avoid passing on my pain to innocent bystanders. I managed to interrupt the response enough to tearfully explain my dilemma to Tim.
Tim steps in with helpful masculine logic: “Stop beating yourself up?”
Me: “But when I do, then I take it out on someone else instead!”.
He comforted me a bit, but eventually had to go outside to get ready for work.
20mins later he reappears with a master-stroke:
“Could you take it out on me?”
I said – “I don’t know how.” But he invited me to try and he held me and I delivered my self-abuse to him in what felt like a ludicrous tirade. But it was, in fact, almost the same as when he lets me share my grievances in masculine/feminine state, except that this time, I was more in on the joke.
It wasn’t hard for him to hear what I was saying, even though I directed it at him, because he knew it was really about me. He knew exactly what to do because IT’S THE SAME THING. And, it WORKED. I felt immensely better and released from the desire to punish anyone else.
The thing that makes masculine listening so powerful is the voluntary self-sacrifice involved. VOLUNTARY. Which is exactly what Tim offered me at that point – to become the scapegoat for my shame. To offer himself as a living sacrifice in the pattern of his maker and absorb the ongoing effects of my sin and suffering.
Nothing is more heroic than imitating Christ, the ultimate hero, and it evokes my love and gratitude in the same way.
Mic Drop #2
The second one was encoded permanently in the neurons of my heart the moment he said it and it makes me swoon every time I think about it (which is as often as possible). It’s not a one-liner, but the extra effort it took in words has made it audible growth hormone for my love for Tim.
It wasn’t even something he said to me, he said it to some of our clients earlier this year, when explaining how he makes his wife the number one focus in his life. He said:
“Every morning when I wake up, I look over at Camilla and I just spend a few moments to set my focus for the day. It doesn’t matter whether she’s asleep or awake, it’s just me setting my focus, that everything I do today, whether it’s at work or with the kids or whatever, that she’s my purpose. I’m doing it for her.”
I had no idea that he did this, or thought this about me as a regular routine. Hearing it made me feel incredible. Anything you can do or say to have her know that she is the most important thing in the world to you, your number-one focus is absolutely captivating for a woman.
Mic Drop! Boom!
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