How do you move a tyrant?

How do you move a tyrant?

How do you bring a dead man to life?

I have asked myself these questions concerning my husband. Some people tell me that they’re too extreme. But as a wife, have you really never felt like it was impossible to influence your husband? That he was so set in his ways or in his mind that he would never listen to you?

Have you never felt like it was impossible to rouse him, to interest him, to feel his passion or intensity or love towards you?

After 5 years of marriage, my husband flat-out refused to have children with me. He also refused to make any moves towards making our house bigger. To me, it was all connected. How could we have a family in a one-bedroom unit?

I pushed him to get the job done so that we could start our family. He was immovable.

Eventually, I gave up on the house and tried for the children. Perhaps when he felt the squeeze of the place with kids in it, he would want to make the house bigger? But he would not budge.

How could he have children? He was already so exhausted just trying to do life! How could I ask that of him? Didn’t I realise things would be much worse, that he might get so frustrated that he might hurt the kids? It was better without them.

How do you move a tyrant?

Not only that, but he also had no interest in me physically. He never noticed me, never complimented me. If I dressed up or put on make-up he’d ask me why I was doing that. He didn’t like it, so I must be doing it for someone else. If I wore lingerie, he’d laugh or ignore me. He never wanted sex. I was too much for him, he was too tired.

How do you bring a dead man to life?

For me, there was nothing over-stated about these questions. My life was at stake. Everything that I’d thought life and marriage would bring me was being withheld by my emotionally-dead tyrant of a husband.

Even if you think I’m over-exaggerating, there’s someone I don’t think you can argue with: Queen Esther.

Esther married one of the greatest tyrants of the known world – King Xerxes. According to Greek historian Herodotus, he struggled with imposter syndrome. (Culley, 2021).

Xerxes was a younger son of Darius the Mede and his mother was Queen Atossa the daughter of Persian king, Cyrus the Great (Culley, 2023). Darius was manipulated by Atossa, who threatened him with civil war if he did not make her son his heir, instead of his first-born and favourite (Culley, 2023).

One of Xerxes’ first moves was to prey on his brother’s wife, and when he was rebuffed by her, he ravaged her daughter in revenge. Later, he “suffered” disrespect from his own wife, and famously exiled (or perhaps executed) the incredibly beautiful Queen Vashti in order to re-assert his dominance. Xerxes was not going to be manipulated by anyone like his father had been, especially not by a woman.

Brooding from this public humiliation, Xerxes determined to try to garner some respect as a leader. He would finish his father’s unfinished military campaign in Greece:

“To build his army for the Greek invasion, King Xerxes enforced conscription throughout his empire. Among those conscripted were the five sons of Pythias, a Lydian governor. Pythias requested that his eldest son be allowed to remain as his heir. Xerxes took offense, believing that Pythias doubted the success of the invasion. He reportedly had Pythias’ son cut in half, displayed the corpse on either side of the road, and marched the army between the grisly markers.” (Culley, 2021).

If loyalty could not be deserved, it would be demanded. Xerxes amassed the largest army the ancient world had ever seen, taking between 70 and 300 thousand against 7,000 Greeks. He was determined to secure a victory and finally feel worthy of the throne of Media-Persia.

But it seems even the elements were determined to make him look foolish and when his 1.3km pontoon bridge was dashed to pieces by a storm, an unhinged Xerxes gave the order that the sea itself be whipped and chained.

Eventually gaining some progress, he managed to sack Athens and then planned for a decisive victory with over 1,200 ships, the largest navy ever seen, against 400 Greek triremes. Certain of himself, Xerxes built a huge golden throne on the headland of the Bay of Salamis in order to watch his navy obliterate the enemy. Instead, brains triumphed against brawn, brilliant Greek strategy lured the Persian fleet into a trap and Xerxes watched the annihilation of his navy like a fool from his ridiculous throne, and fled home to Persia with his tail between his legs.

And here, Queen Esther is thrown into the fray. The beauty pageant is the suggestion of Xerxes’ advisors to distract and soothe him after this crushing defeat.

For a while, it works. But before long, Esther is lost among the myriad of women Xerxes has access to. She has not seen him in years when she is tasked with trying to influence the King to make a mortifying change to a law (a portrayal of weakness never made by Persian kings) in hopes of saving the Hebrew people.

But how do you move a tyrant?

She knows she has no power she can exert against him and she dare not try to manipulate him. After much thought, fasting and prayer she takes the only option left: she trusts him. Yet, perhaps, it is not him she trusts. He has certainly given her no reason to suspect that he would choose her safety over his own ego. Rather, she trusts in the God who made him, who knows how to inspire even a dead man to action.

Before he made Adam, God created an empty world, a space for him to step into. Have you ever thought about why God began with only one man? With a whole empty world out there, why not two? Or ten, or even one hundred? Surely more would be able to take better care of the world?

No. God designed a man after his own heart, in his own image, with a character that calls him to rise to the challenge of completing a task that only he can do. To take responsibility, if necessary, for an entire world.

GENESIS 2:7

“Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.”

God breathed. 2 Timothy 3:16 shows us what this means when it says that “all scripture is God-breathed” (NIV) or as the New Living Translation puts it “all scripture is inspired by God.”

Inspired by God. God-breathed.

God shared his spirit, his heart, with Adam and inspired him to life, to action.

This is also what Esther does. She has been married to Xerxes for years, but she has never shared her heart with him. She has never told him who she is or where she comes from. Now, she reveals her own vulnerability and her need for him. She asks for his help in such a way that conveys that she desperately needs him, he is the only one who can meet her need in this way and she wants and trusts him to succeed.

In doing this, she inspires him to action on her behalf. Even though he proved time and again that he was no protector of women, nor defender of the oppressed, and despite his desperation to avoid looking foolish at all costs, without hesitation he makes a political decision that could make him the laughing-stock of the ancient world. Xerxes too is made in God’s image, and he could not fail to respond to this God-given inspiration to rise and meet the request of the one who needed him. To self-sacrifice and step into a space that only he could fill.

So how does this apply to my relationship? I’m not saying that men are tyrants. This is just how my husband appeared to me when I failed to recognise the immovability of the image of God in him. When I see this, along with the expression of God’s spirit of inspiration in myself, I understand what motivates him and am able to trust God’s image in him that he wants to fulfill my needs and requests.

What I had been doing was showing up his failings, belittling him for every way that I felt like he’d let me down on. What was wrong with him? Wasn’t he even a man? It made him feel like there was no place for him, no need for him in my life. He obviously only made things worse, so he withdrew.

When I opened up my own vulnerability and expressed my need and desire for him, he saw a space where he could succeed and he responded to me. Over time, we grew our family, ignited our sexual relationship, and worked on the plans to extend our house.

Perhaps it is beyond you to trust your husband. Trust the God who made him. Open up your vulnerability: move the tyrant, bring the dead man to life. Just as it is not him you trust, it is not really you working, it is God’s spirit working through you to complete his perfect image in your union.

Find more powerful Biblical metaphors for relationships in

The Relationship Devotional

These devotionals are real and raw, unpacking how Tim & Camilla have overcome serious issues in their long-term relationship. They include practical guides on how you can overcome communication and trust issues in your relationship.

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