Two questions I was asked by two sincere, honestly searching mums really got me thinking. “How long would it take to fix my relationship?” asked a recently-separated mum of small children, honestly trying to evaluate whether or not the war she knew would ensue if she tried would be profitable and worth the further sacrifice it would require. And “How much would you attribute the healing of your relationship to an act of God?” asked by a divorced mum of teenagers, struggling with guilt about whether or not she should have had more faith and hung in there.
So I thought about it. How long did it take Tim and I to fix our relationship and how did it come about, exactly?
Well, to put it frankly, we were invited by family members to try out a program they had found valuable, and subsequently spent 3 years immersed in their personal development and relationship transformation programs, including monthly relationship mentoring and volunteering to assist in background work for their seminars. These programs are run by a non-Christian couple whom God worked through to lead us towards an understanding of the way He designed relationships and to build functional skills that would slowly, over time transform our relationship. We thoroughly recommend all of these programs.
After attending our first three-day program, we experienced a sharp transformation in our experience of and relationship to each other – we left feeling totally in love!
Did it last? In the strict sense, no. That initial euphoric feeling faded over the following days and weeks. But, it didn’t return to the previous level of low. We didn’t at the time fully understand what exactly had caused the change, but as we practiced the skills learned (badly – which is the best and only way to begin), we learned how to re-create this feeling through taking small steps towards enacting the skills we had been taught.
It was up-and-downy, and frequently “has anything really changed-y?” But the learning had changed our relationship trajectory, which was now, on the whole, aiming slowly upwards.
It took three years of gradual improvement before Tim felt compelled enough to drop the final bomb – his pornography addiction that he had kept secret. This was like falling down a chasm, a very steep drop, but, because of the skills we had learned, and the direction we were facing, it was a steep, but short vertical climb back up to the other side. And in fact, it turned out that the cliff on that side was much higher, and we had come out much better off, strengthened, invigorated and exhilarated as a result. The same kind of feeling as that initial euphoria, but this time, even greater, and with more understanding and wonder, and the ability to revisit it whenever we chose.
We spent another three years immersed in the programs and increasing volunteer roles and over this time, God began to inspire us with spiritual understanding of how He had enacted the change in our lives and how to re-integrate the understanding of His character into the relationship skills we had learned. And so we began to share this with our church community, and as we do, our relationship continues to climb to even higher heights and deeper love and understanding than we had ever thought possible.
So how long did it take, exactly? Well, to feel enough of an initial change to get us on the right path, it took three days. To get a staying-power behind it, it took three years of coaching and practice. To fully grasp “how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that [we] may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God”? (Ephesians 3:18-19) I don’t believe we are there yet. Thankfully it is a journey that we can continue to undertake for the rest of our lives, and into eternity!
And how much of this is an act of God? Well, God put it to me this way: remember the story of Naaman? He wanted healing, and in desperation he turned to God for help. God gave him, not a big transformation that he was hoping for, but a very little step to take: “Go wash in the river.” (2 Kings 5:10) At first, Namaan, just like the rest of us most of the time, refused. This little thing is not going to help me! I have an enormous problem and your little step is not nearly enough! Ok, maybe I’ll feel a bit better after doing that, but I bet it won’t last, so there’s no point! It would be so humiliating to admit that I can’t solve my own problem, and have to be taught by someone else how to wash (or maybe even to be taught how to speak to my partner, what words to use and when).
Naaman could have missed the rest of his whole life, and he very nearly did. Only thanks to the wisdom and encouragement of the people around him did he survive, and accept the humility necessary to go back to basics and learn what is good. “Naaman’s servants went to him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’!” (2 Kings 5:13) Even then, it did not take just one try; “Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, “Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.” (2 Kings 5:10).
Seven times, he had to wash himself. Slow, humble, practice, done badly, repeated over a period of time. Without a doubt, it was God who healed Naaman. Without a doubt, it was God who healed our relationship. But just like when he healed Naaman, he asked us to participate in it. Had we not been willing to take each humbling step (sometimes taken very begrudgingly, very tearfully, sometimes one of us dragging the other) we would never have experienced the joy he had in store for us.
To guilt-ridden divorcees we would say this: each of us has fallen short of the glory God intended for us. And he does not measure sin by distance or degrees. Your sin is no greater than anyone else’s in our day-to-day stubborn unwillingness to humble ourselves before God and our partners, to do what is required to move forward. Tim and I still struggle with this sacrifice daily, and probably will for the rest of our lives. Marriage is but a practice task for getting to know God, and he assures us that neither life nor death, angels nor demons [and certainly not divorce] can seperate us from “the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:39). Whatever your current relationship status, happily married, unhappily married, de facto, separated, divorced, widowed, dating, single, there is so much to be done! Do not allow yourself to be weighed down by the guilt we no longer need to carry thanks to Jesus our Saviour! Instead, let’s get on with the real task of following God!
To those torn between seeking the safety of solitude with God or facing the battle of relationship repair we would ask this: having asked for God’s healing, what is the next small step you can take towards living into and perpetuating this healing in your relationship, however humble?
If you have no idea – here is one option: Join The Relationship Workshop, where Tim & I teach the skills we have used to create our relationship through God-given metaphors to develop understanding of His character and a true relationship with both Him and your partner.
Why not do this little thing?
little words 