Ever thought about the book of Job as a relationship guide?
The idea of blame runs hot in this book. Whose fault is it that Job and his family have been made to suffer? That’s a familiar theme in relationships, surely? Tim and I would constantly argue about whose fault it was that things were wrong in our lives and relationship.
The story begins with Job – rich and upright. He never sins in the story in his actions, words or responses.
But let’s think about life from his wife’s point of view. She probably followed her mother’s advice and found a good, upright, God-fearing man. He was intelligent, grew wealthy from his hard work and careful management of property. They made many beautiful children together. Her husband prayed regularly, he looked to God for the care and protection of his family. He gave thanks to God for his prosperity. She had done it! She managed to avoid all the losers and get a man worth having who would give her the life she deserved.
How could it go wrong? And yet, even here, with a theoretically ideal man – of course, Job is a human, we know he must have been sinful, but in this story he is set up as the archetype of an ideal man – it all goes horribly wrong. Somehow, by some incredible stroke of bad luck, she has managed to choose a man so upright that he sticks out like a sore thumb and attracts the attention of the heavenly realm to become a test case. And so, as well as losing everything she owns, in an unfathomable tragedy, she loses all her children in one night. And further, she is saddled with the responsibility of becoming long-term carer and provider for her incapacitated husband. Her mistake? She married someone who was too good. You just can’t win, right?
The only words we see from Job’s wife are that she urges him to “curse God and die” (Job 2:9). Most think she said too much. I’m honestly surprised she said so little.
Lesson 1: Every woman feels let down and betrayed, in some fundamental way, by her husband. It does not necessarily follow that he has done anything specifically wrong.
Let’s consider it from Job’s point of view:
He goes from praising God for his blessings to the loss of his wealth, success, career and home. He suffers the death of his children and endures being kicked while he’s down by his mean and unsupportive wife and his friends spend 36 chapters offering him misguided and useless, if not potentially harmful, advice. He’s accused over and over again of sinning against God. Of this suffering being his own fault.
And then, when God finally speaks, He stands up for Job.
Right?
Right?
He does, doesn’t he?
Ever read God’s reply to Job?
Job 38:1-4 (NLT)
Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:
2 “Who is this that questions my wisdom
with such ignorant words?
3 Brace yourself like a man,
because I have some questions for you,
and you must answer them.
4 “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
Tell me, if you know so much.
Oh my, even God kicks him while he’s down. God now lays into Job for three additional chapters, after all he has endured from his wife and friends.
If you read these final chapters of God’s reply to Job, does it not sound like every argument you’ve ever had as a man and woman? Is God speaking on the Wife’s behalf here?
Just the other day, Tim and I had a run-in about the mess on the table. He complained that there was no room to do what I’d asked him to do. I turned on him and said something along the lines of “What right do you have to complain about the state of the table? When do you ever do anything to tidy up?”
In this story, we see a different aspect of God’s character. Often we focus on the character of God that takes responsibility, and carries the weight of all the sins of the world, as Jesus did on the cross. Here we see the God who refuses to be answerable to any person about the way he chooses to conduct himself.
Man and Woman, were created in God’s image differently. We reflect different aspects of God’s nature. In this case; Man reflects the part that carries the weight of responsibility, Woman reflects the part of God that refuses to be answerable for his actions.
As imperfect humans, we argue about it. Who is in the right? Whose fault is it?
Job 40:2, 8
Then the Lord said to Job,
2 “Do you still want to argue with the Almighty?
You are God’s critic, but do you have the answers?”
Will you discredit my justice
and condemn me just to prove you are right?
Perhaps the conclusion is less sinister than we imagined. As it turns out in the story of Job – it is no-one’s fault. However, a principle emerges:
Lesson 2 – The man carries the weight/blame/responsibility for what has gone wrong. It does not necessarily follow that it was his fault. In doing so, he wins love and respect.
But surely, the wife and friends eventually get what’s coming to them?
What does God have to say to the friends? One. Tiny. Passage.
Job 42:7-8
“I am angry with you and your two friends, for you have not spoken accurately about me, as my servant Job has.
That’s it?? Pretty much. Then Job gets saddled with more responsibility:
8 So take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and offer a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer on your behalf. I will not treat you as you deserve, for you have not spoken accurately about me, as my servant Job has.”
Job carries the responsibility of what’s gone wrong for him, for his friends, he carries it all for his wife. God does not criticise her here. He expects Job to “brace himself like a man” and carry it all. Because he believed all along that Job could take it, that God had built him to do so.
I’m reminded of Hebrews 12:6;
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”[a]
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.
Rather than parent, protect and soothe Job, God continues to show regard for him by asking more of him. The friends, he has no regard for. They may go and continue to live as before. God does not criticise Job’s wife, or expect her to carry her share of the blame. She was built to honour a different side of him. (Read The Beauty of God in Woman)
Lesson 3: The woman honours her husband by having faith in him to be a man and respecting him as someone great.
A man will not feel honoured or respected until he’s earned it. So don’t deprive him of the opportunity to do so by thinking so little of him that you try to take all the responsibility for him. When we try to manage his energy, or his time, his efforts, we tell him that we think little of him. Honour him as the man you know him to be and ask much of him.
Feeling like men have the raw end of the deal? Let’s see how the story ends.
Job 42:10-17
10 When Job prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes. In fact, the Lord gave him twice as much as before! 11 Then all his brothers, sisters, and former friends came and feasted with him in his home. And they consoled him and comforted him because of all the trials the Lord had brought against him. And each of them brought him a gift of money[a] and a gold ring.
12 So the Lord blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning. For now he had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 teams of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys. 13 He also gave Job seven more sons and three more daughters. 14 He named his first daughter Jemimah, the second Keziah, and the third Keren-happuch. 15 In all the land no women were as lovely as the daughters of Job. And their father put them into his will along with their brothers.
16 Job lived 140 years after that, living to see four generations of his children and grandchildren. 17 Then he died, an old man who had lived a long, full life.
Job, having endured his suffering and carried the weight of it for his family and friends, becomes someone truly great. He enjoys life with his wife, his former friends, their new children. He allows himself to be comforted. He elevates the prospects of his daughters. He is not threatened by the success of others. He has been honoured by God and earned a legacy and greatness. What more does a man dream of?
Each story in the Bible has many applications. We can see an explanation for suffering in this story. We can see Job acting as a parallel to Jesus in this story. Despite being blameless himself, he shoulders the weight of the sin of the world, and redeems the world by it. Though his friends do not deserve to celebrate with him afterwards, because of his sacrifice and intercession, they are welcomed to do so.
We can also see an example of marital relationship in this story. Each woman feels fundamentally let down by her husband. Let’s be honest – rightly or wrongly – don’t we all feel fundamentally let down by God? What right did he have to decide we could endure a world of sin? Why did he think that it was okay to risk suffering entering the world? Does he have any idea what it is like? And yet, rather than make us wrong and make us carry the weight of our own sin, God chooses to win back our hearts utterly and completely by suffering for us, carrying the weight for us.
This is a fundamental parallel to human marriage relationships. We see the opposite of this in the creation story: Adam, rather than carrying the blame for Eve, blames her. He makes her wrong to try to avoid suffering himself. The woman feels the man has fundamentally let her down. But the story doesn’t end there. If he chooses to carry the weight of what is wrong in the relationship, he can win her back – heart and soul.
As a woman who had experienced feeling fundamentally let down, who had a wandering eye, who was on the lookout for someone better, but who has a husband who chose to shoulder his burden, I know. He has won me utterly and completely. He has my heart, my soul, my fierce love and my respect. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you.
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