I’m reading a book by an FBI hostage negotiator.
It came in handy the other day, I had to negotiate with the terrorists who are in charge of my children’s swimming lesson time slots. Anytime one of the kids moves up, it’s a herculean effort to get them into a class on the same day and within cooee of the other child’s lesson.
This time we’d been relegated to a lesson on a different day from our other daughter that was too early for me to get her to on time from school. There were no other lessons available that were better for us. (Believe me, I checked every day). We took her out of school early to make it twice and then we’d had enough. It was do or die for me that day. I had to win.
So, I summoned all the strategies I had gleaned in the book thus far and faced the receptionist at the swimming school.
Create empathy. Label their emotions.
I approached the desk: “Are you all ready for the hectic evening to begin?”
She smiled at me. “Yes” she laughed.
“It must be very difficult dealing with everyone all at once,” I observed.
Receptionist: “Yes, what can I do to help you?”
Me: “I want to move my daughter to a different class. To the deep end, the Thursday class.”
Receptionist: “Has she been assessed to move up to this class?”
Me: “They told me on the telephone that she needed to do a few lessons in the new class, and then she could change to deep.”
Receptionist: “But has she been assessed to move into the new class?”
Don’t say no directly
Me: “On the phone, they told me she could move after a few lessons and she can’t attend this class anymore after today”.
Receptionist: “I’ll have to check with an assessor, I’m not allowed to just move them up.”
Keep smiling
Me: “That’ll be great, thank you so much”.
The assessor came out, guns blazing: “Yeah”, she laughed at me. “That’s not the way it works.” “You don’t come in here and say you want to move. We need to assess them and we decide when they move up. It’s not just a “you want to move” thing, that’s not the way it works.” She laughed again.
I could feel my temperature rising.
Stay calm. Keep smiling
Me: “This class is not suitable for us to attend anymore.”
Assessor: Condescendingly, “Would you like us to help you find a different shallow class that’s more suitable for you?”
Very angry & embarrassed, stay cool, smile more, be genuinely appreciative.
Me: “Yes, that would be wonderful!”
Assessor leaves, Receptionist checks computer for time slots that I know are not available.
Her first suggestion: “How about Thursday 5:15?”
Me: “Is that class at her current level?” (No classes had been available on Thursday prior to this point).
Receptionist: “Yes”.
Me: “Yes, thank you, I’ll take that one!”
Feeling Frustrated – Smile and Say Thank you
Me: “Thanks so much for your help, I really appreciate it!”
The weird thing about this encounter: I left with exactly what I wanted – better than what I thought I could get! I had won, and yet I wasn’t happy.
I went back to my seat feeling unsettled about it. (No, it wasn’t because I felt I’d been manipulative. By following the negotiation guidelines, I actually behaved better than I normally would in similar circumstances. I had behaved the way I would like to behave, but never manage to.)
Eventually I settled on what I didn’t like about it. They had laughed at me. They thought I was silly. They had exerted authority over me, put me in my place and they felt like they had won.
They had laughed at me. They thought I was silly. They had exerted authority over me, put me in my place and they felt like they had won.
Later on, reading more of the book, I understood it better. Without meaning to, I had asked for something they would never give me. This allowed them to exercise authority over me and feel like they had the emotional win. What people want most, more than money, or even the thing they are asking for, is to feel that they have the emotional win. In order to get what you want, you have to allow the other person to have it. I noticed in a new way that day, it’s actually quite a sacrifice.
What people want most is to feel that they have the emotional win. In order to get what you want, you have to allow the other person to have it.
Think about how this works in relationships. You know the saying, “You can either be right, or you can be happy”? I wanted to be “right” about my daughter’s swimming lessons. I wanted them to realise how unprofessional they were in not having enough suitable time slots available, in thinking that I had nothing better to do that run down to the pool every day of the week and sit there stewing in a chlorinated sauna.
And I had tried that several times over the last few weeks but I had no change of class to my name. I had the moral high ground, but no action.
Perhaps it’s time to try this with your spouse? By giving up the right to make them wrong about the way they have acted so far, by giving them what they want from you in the relationship (appreciation, if they’re male, to invite them to say whatever they need to say without being ‘held to account’, If they’re female) you will allow them the feeling of an “emotional win”.
It’s only when I was willing to let go of making Tim wrong about not extending our house, that I’m actually getting an extended house. It’s only when I was willing to let go of making him wrong about not giving me enough sex, that I actually get more sex. Did it hurt to make this sacrifice? Absolutely! Am I happier now than I was before making it? Yes!
When the FBI negotiates with terrorists, they can’t compromise. They cannot agree to set half the people free, let half the people die and call it a good deal. So they give up the only thing they can (and, as it turns out, the main thing the terrorists really want), the emotional win. They let them feel like they are in charge, in control and calling the shots. In return, the FBI very often get what they want.
When the FBI negotiates with terrorists, they can’t compromise. Same goes with your relationship.
Is this not what Jesus himself did when he “gave his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45)? “He did not consider equality with God something to be grasped”…but rather, “He humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:6), “scorning its shame” (Hebrews 12:3).
In other words, he put his hands in the air and surrendered the moral high ground, even though it caused him shame. He allowed Satan to feel like he had won. He did this in order to get everything he wanted – all of us.
Same goes with your relationship. Compromise is not a good solution. You will both just feel resentful about the relationship. You need to aim to get everything you want. Fortunately, this is entirely possible in relationships, since men and women want different things. So get your hands in the air, give up the right to make your spouse wrong, and start the process of both of you getting everything you want.
2 Mistakes Couples Make that Cause them to fall out of love
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