Tim gets a lot of flack from me about being messy. It’s one of our “big things” or recurring arguments. I’ve often been embarrassed to have people over at our house. We’ve made significant progress on it, in some general areas, and the rest we’ve restricted to our bedroom, or other places out of sight of most visitors. And that’s where the issue has stayed for some time.
Our daughters, 9 & 7 years of age, love nothing more than exploring someone else’s house through a game of all-in hide and seek. Our friends have been kind enough to oblige us when we visit their homes. It is a huge amount of fun to experience kids and adults alike hiding in ridiculous places. And yet the thought (and actuality) of this occurring at our house, and people being exposed to our carefully concealed mess strikes fear into my heart.
Jordan Peterson, Canadian psychologist and intellectual, is known for his advice for people to clean up their rooms. I saw this clip recently, and it challenged me to move on this issue that I seem to have left dormant.
So I had to think, when hearing this advice, “Why is this room not tidy?”
I know what I need to do to inspire change in my partner: I need to ask for what I want, I need to ask for it vulnerably, in a way that shares deeply how the mess makes me feel and allows him the space to say no, or to step up and be my hero.
I need to want it enough to stick to that one thing for a time, and to go through the considerable effort it will take to ask and not receive, and ask again and appreciating very small steps taken along the way.
I would have to face everything that’s wrong in my relationship.
And in my relationship, most of the time, things are pretty good. So I don’t really want to kick up the dirt, risk starting an argument while it’s going well.
But the reality is, if I don’t, I’ll just be allowing the resentment to build up and it’ll turn up worse at some point in the future (and I’ve experienced how that plays out).
Can you end a recurring argument?
Yes. We’re slowly working our way through: tiredness, sex, house extension, family problems…messiness?
So, instead of kicking up a stink, I thought deeply about the problem (a miracle in itself!).
Why does he, in fact, not clean up his room?
I’ve cleaned it myself quite a few times, I rubbished him about it sufficiently that if that was ever gonna work, it would have made its dent. But the mess never really goes and it always comes back.
I’ve worked with him on it, asking him afterwards, “Doesn’t it feel good to throw those things away?” To which he responded, to my surprise, with a flat “No” and went off to have a little rest after all the emotional fatigue that getting rid of things had caused him.
I thought back to that event. I had honestly convinced myself that all people would feel better after they get rid of things. But he really didn’t.
The reason for this is that his things are a potential source of love in his life, his line to survival. His wound would have him believe that in order to be loved, he needs to be competent. And his stuff provides him with access to anything he might need to achieve that aim. So getting rid of stuff, for Tim, is throwing away opportunities for competency and love, and opening himself up to appearing incompetent and complete rejection. It is brutally painful.
Now, for me to live in that mess, and particularly to have other people see it, is also painful. I feel like it takes away from my impressiveness, which my wound would have me believe is what I need for love.
So there we are at an impasse.
This is what Dr Peterson means when he says in cleaning up your room, you will face everything that is wrong with your relationship. Because all of our problems are rooted in this clash of wounds. To clean up one problem, is to clean up your whole relationship.
I thought, how can I really ask Tim to face all that pain, for such a little reason as to save my pride? And then, there was an even better question: Is there anything he might want more than avoiding the pain of throwing things away?
I thought deeply, and I thought of two things he might want, and so I offered it to him, as a suggestion. Would he be interested in a negotiation with me, if he cleaned up 10 things, and, in return, each time, got something he really wanted? He agreed! And to my surprise, started working on it that very day!
There’s still plenty of mess there, but it no longer looks to me like a pile of doom, and the thought of tidying it up no longer appears to him as a chasm of death. These days, it appears more like a mountain of opportunity for both of us.
So choose, one thing. What is the most important thing that you personally need change on in your relationship? Do you want it enough to ask for it? Do you want it enough to be appreciative of tiny steps taken towards it? Do you want it enough to negotiate for it?
Take one step towards cleaning up one issue in your relationship. It may seem like a drop in the ocean to start with, but facing what’s wrong in one area quickly makes for a giant leap forward in the whole relationship.
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